ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
