Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
