My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
