he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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