Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
