We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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