I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
