I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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