is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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