My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
