Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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