you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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