For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
