She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Randomize
