I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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