You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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