I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
