the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
not ubering you a puppy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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