I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
