his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
