Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
