If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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