i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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