I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
