no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
