I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
