Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
