Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
