I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
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