I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
