Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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