What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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