im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
