why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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