you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
