She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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