Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
