did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
