How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I could make wine with my vomit
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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