Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
