happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
a search helicopter?!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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