I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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