If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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