I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
wow bdsm is so cute
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