Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
