ya dads aren't the best wingmen
"it" just moved
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
