chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
