Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
