oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
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Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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