Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
