saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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