That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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