Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
