whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
