and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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