Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
