woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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