I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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