it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
